When someone shares a struggle with you, do you jump into “fixer” mode? A lot of us do, because we hate to see someone we care about in pain.

I recently heard a phrase that could help us all stay out of “fixer” mode and instead remain in caregiving mode:

Ask the suffering person, “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”

Many teachers and counselors use this phrase, and I think we could all be a more caring friend if we remember these three choices:

• Sometimes people are ready for help and so you can brainstorm ideas with them to solve their problem.
• Other times, they want to be heard – to have someone listen to them so they can get their feelings on the outside.
• And maybe, they just need a hug and to be reassured that they are not alone.

You could ask this question directly of the person. Or you can simply ask the question quietly to yourself. Either way, you are tuning in to what they need and allowing them the space to process their feelings. What a blessing this will be for them!