Holidays are memory days. But not for people with dementia.

“Do you remember the year the tree fell over…when the cousins stayed for all eight days…when Santa forgot to eat the cookies, and the kids cried…”

Holidays, especially the Christmas holiday, are a tapestry woven with memories. So what happens when your loved one has lost those memories and you want to spend time with them? How are we to handle the holidays when a loved one has dementia?

Here are some tips to help you, whether you will be with this person for one hour or off and on for several days.

Be patient and smile. You will have to draw on the love you have always had for this person to get through the hours. Convey your love through kind, gentle words and a caring posture as you lean toward them to speak. When my friend Marianne had dementia, it was difficult to visit until I remembered Jesus’ words, “When you do it to the least of these you do it unto me.” So, when I was being kind and loving toward Marianne it helped to know that at the same time in some mysterious way I was also caring for and loving Jesus. That thought helped me be patient and kind and yes, I did have a smile.

Plan ahead, and consider what your loved one can tolerate. What you do during the holidays with your loved one depends on the extent of the illness. It may be that beloved traditions such as going to a crowded restaurant or a holiday concert are simply too much for your family member. So, weigh your options. Maybe it’s better to keep your loved one in his or her comfortable place where they feel safe. Stay with them for a few hours, and then go out and celebrate on your own.

Consider your gift-giving. Gifts should be tactile or stimulate the senses. Holiday foods and sweets are always a good choice, if your loved one can tolerate them. Lotions with citrus scents, warm and soft shawls, socks or sweaters are other good ideas, because the elderly are almost always cold. Don’t forget a gift for the caregivers who take care of your loved ones. Click here for a list of gift ideas for the elderly.

Create your own memories. Even though your mother, father or loved one will not remember that you were there bringing gifts and loving them, hold this memory in your own heart. Know that your acts of love and kindness toward this person will be felt. You are making a difference for that person in that moment. And that’s a memory that you can be proud of–you made a difference for someone with dementia.

I remember a professional caregiver told me that it is important to keep visiting a person with dementia even when they cannot respond. She said it was like going to a wonderful movie that is heartwarming, encouraging and positive and you walk out and you feel good about yourself and the world. That feeling will linger for several days. That is what it is like for a person with dementia when you visit; they can feel your kindness and love that generates inside and makes them feel good. They can’t put those feelings into words for you, but they are there.

So, reach out not only at Christmas time, but all through the year to those who have dementia. You will be blessed and so will they.