Trigger Warning: Mention of intense body image


I’ve reached the point where

‘Wow!

You look amazing!

I can definitely tell you’ve lost weight’

Isn’t a compliment anymore

But on the exterior I’m not the type of girl you question

So you say “how did you do it”

And instead slapping on the reality of the space I’m taking up

I simply ‘thank you’ it away

At some point smiling through the mornings of ‘I wish I had your confidence’

While crying in front of broken mirrors through the night

Creates dis order in my reality

Because although these were meant to be uplifting,

Little did these people know they were fueling the dis order

I gaslight myself

Every night after dinner into the mindset that I don’t…

That because I don’t fit the qualifications of binging before

That because Black girls don’t

That because Fat girls don’t

That because girls who don’t have money for treatment centers don’t

That because girls with high perceived confidence don’t

That because a girl raised in a community of uplifting and loving people can’t have an eating

disorder

I spent years adjusting my body

As a code switch to make everyone else more comfortable

Waist trainers, yo-yo diets, elbows to seat, & mysterious supplements of the stomach variety

Coupled with countless ‘before’ pictures littering my camera roll

Were all reminders of my lack of self-worth

I had convinced myself that I don’t deserve a life of loving my body

Or the space I take up

That my beauty is conditional

Or that my worth was based in a number on a scale or an app

That I wasn’t worthy of a healthy relationship with food

And that my life would always be run on dis order

But what started with a check in

Became a raft in a stormy ocean

When I knew it was okay to not be okay

That I was allowed to be uncomfortable in dis order

That I had the right to receive help

That!

Was when my journey pivoted

And although I will walk this road every day

It’s a much easier road to travel with those who love you

On either side of you

Cheering you on

In order to re-align the dis order

Ge El Ki Gr

Gezelle Kingdom Grier

Gezelle Kingdom Grier

Gezelle Kingdom Grier is a Midwifery Student at Mercy In Action College of Midwifery. She is the director of Black Tulip Doulas, a birthing advocacy organization and doula service based in West Michigan. She is an avid activist, caretaker, poet, worship leader, birth worker, and lover of all things glittery.

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