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Have you ever tried to share your pain or frustration with someone and they responded with “Well, at least . . . “?

I say, “My marriage is in shambles.”
You say, “At least . . .you have a marriage.”

I say, “John flunked out of school.”
You say, “At least . . . Sue is a good student.”

I say, “I have cancer.”
You say…
“Well, at least it’s not the bad kind of cancer.”
“At least you will lose weight!”
“At least you look good bald.”

It’s not very helpful, is it? Here’s four reasons why you shouldn’t say, “Well, at least…”

• It minimizes my feelings.  I have feelings of terror and discomfort.
• It minimizes the energy, fortitude and courage that I need in order to deal with my cancer.
• It shows you are not a caring person.  Sorry, but there it is.  It sounds like you want to apply a “quick fix” to my situation so that you don’t have to really get involved in my pain and feelings.
• You are uncomfortable and are looking for a quick exit.

When someone is suffering, please do not say “Well, at least . . .”  Instead, say, “I am so sorry” or “I can see this is very difficult for you” or “I love you.”  But, don’t say one of those “At least . . . ” sentences.

Brene Brown, a well-known researcher on empathy, created this excellent video several years ago. It shows very clearly the difference between empathy and sympathy — and why the phrase “Well, at least . . .” is not at all helpful. Take a look!

RSA Shorts – The Power of Empathy

Updated 2024