Now that my kids are in their twenties, I find myself thinking about the traits I most hoped would stick as they grew into adulthood. Kindness has always been at the top of that list. Not the polite, “be nice to people” kind of kindness, but the deeper kind—the kind that notices when someone is hurting, that shows up, that listens, that connects. Watching my kids navigate the world on their own has reminded me that kindness isn’t something we simply inherit. It’s something we practice, teach, model, and grow—at every age.

This truth came into sharper focus recently when a member of our extended family experienced the sudden death of her father. It was the first time my daughter—now in college—had to directly acknowledge a peer’s profound loss. She wasn’t sure what to say. Should she text? Call? Was it intrusive to reach out? I found myself gently coaching her through the basics: say you’re sorry for her loss, mention something you appreciated about her dad, tell her you’re thinking of her. It struck me that even though my kids are officially “adults,” they still need guidance in how to show up for others. These are not skills they learn in school. These are lessons we parents continue teaching well into our kids’ twenties—and doing so reminds us to keep practicing kindness ourselves.

Research backs this up. Richard Weissbourd, a senior lecturer at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, has spent years studying how kindness develops across the lifespan. His conclusion is surprisingly hopeful: kindness is a learned skill. “Kindness can be taught at any age… it’s the practice of caring for others that matters,” he says. Whether we’re raising children, mentoring teenagers, or guiding young adults, kindness is a muscle we strengthen through repetition and example.

Yet Weissbourd also warns that our culture often elevates achievement and personal happiness over caring for others. Kids hear far more messages about success, performance, and independence than about empathy or responsibility to community. So, it’s not surprising that young adults sometimes hesitate or feel unsure about what kindness looks like in real-life moments. Many of us feel the same way.

Here’s where the science gives us encouragement. Psychologists like Dr. Kelly Harding and Dr. Naomi Eisenberger have shown that kindness has a powerful ripple effect. Eisenberger’s research at UCLA demonstrates that acts of kindness actually reduce loneliness, anxiety, and even physical stress responses—not only in the person receiving kindness but also in the person offering it. And Harding highlights an even wider circle: the “giver–receiver–observer” effect. When someone witnesses kindness, even from afar, it sparks something in them. It increases the likelihood they’ll be kind as well. As Harding puts it, “We’re more likely to be kind when we see kindness around us.”

This means our small choices matter—far more than we realize. A sincere compliment. A check-in text. Holding space for someone’s grief. These simple gestures send signals to our families, our workplaces, our neighborhoods: This is who we are. This is how we treat each other. This is what connection looks like.

So, what does teaching kindness look like when our kids are no longer little? Here are a few practices that have made a difference in my own family:

Model kindness visibly. Young adults notice how we treat servers at restaurants, how we talk about co-workers, how we respond when a neighbor needs help. They’re watching—quietly. And they’re absorbing far more than we think.

Make kindness part of your family identity. My kids tease me about how I chat with strangers in the check-out line. And I’m a stickler for sending thank-you cards (“OK, Miss Manners!”) But they’re noticing—and starting to develop their own kindness outreach. Just the other day, my daughter called to ask for advice on what to do for a friend who was grieving the loss of her beloved pet. When kindness is woven into the daily fabric of a home, it becomes second nature.

Encourage connection-building gestures. Suggest sending a note to someone going through a hard time. Invite your grown kids to join you in volunteer work as peers. Start a family group chat where you share small stories of kindness you’ve witnessed.

Parenting adult children has taught me that our children don’t stop needing us. They just need us differently. And one of the greatest gifts we can offer them is the ongoing reminder that kindness is more than a personality trait; it’s a practice. A lifelong one.

What’s one small act of kindness you can model today so that others may grow too?